


Hold Me Tight or Don't

by mittamoo



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Dissociation, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 12:19:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15073013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mittamoo/pseuds/mittamoo
Summary: In Neil's life he has never been able to grow used to contact that does not come with the sting of pain let alone to expect it, slowly he learns that touch is not something that must be linked with hurt.





	Hold Me Tight or Don't

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lobotomite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lobotomite/gifts).



> yay I actually finished something

Neil Josten was three years old the first time he felt the bite of his father’s blade. He wasn’t unaccustomed to violence before  then- he’d long since grown used to the sharp sting of a backhand and the dull throbbing of bruises caused by mother and father alike, but he’d never had one of his father’s blades turned on him before then. He wasn’t quite sure what he’d done that time to upset his father but he had turned in a rage, hand raised as if to hit him like Neil was used to, until he felt the line of burning fire across his chest followed by and uncomfortable warm wetness that flowed out of him and stuck his shirt to his front.

Later he’d sat with his mother stood before him, cleaning the blood away from the wound, a shirt or maybe just a rag stuffed into his mouth to muffle his whimpering as she stitched the gash closed. Once the wound had been dressed he remembers that she’d pull a soft shirt over his head and carried him on her hip to his bedroom. They laid together in his bed, her thumbs stroking away tears from his cheeks and stroking his hair, lips pressed softly to his temple until he’d fallen asleep. It was far from the last time that his mother had had to patch him up in the wake of his father’s ire but it was only after that first time that she had stayed with him after. It’s one of the only times Neil remembers his mother ever being gentle with him.

Gentleness is not a concept that Neil is familiar with kindness without a steep price to be pain one even less so. Neil had been forged in iron and blood and he find it hard to understand some of the stories that his friends tell to one another. He tries though. The truth is something he wants to become more free with, to become more trusting, so as his family surround him and talk of good memories he wants to offer them all one of his own. So he tells them about that evening where his mother had held him close. He hadn’t anticipated the way that the room would freeze he hadn’t shared something awful after all. It was only a small cut compared to the rest of what had happened, this was a good memory. He half regrets sharing the truth the words turning sour in his mouth as he watches horror and dark anger spread across the room. He wasn’t anticipating that Matt would ask how old he’d been nor the choked back sound he’d made when he’d answered.

“It was barely a wound, hardly needed stiches and didn’t scar that bad” he offers in an attempt to reassure Matt and the others- it doesn’t seem to help any. He vaguely wonders what would have happened if Andrew had decided to join them all that evening.

Renee draws attention away from him and the chatter begins again, he still isn’t sure why his family had looked at him in that way, in the way that they did when he brushed off an injury. He’d told them something good. Nonetheless Neil is grateful for her intervention.

****

They were sat together on the couch, it was late hours into the latest push from Matt’s one man crusade to acquainting Neil with all the movies he’d ‘missed out on’.  Neil can’t say he minds the attention, he likes being with all the foxes- they are after all his family, but he find that in particular he enjoys spending time with Matt. Matt who is good natured and cheerful, Matt possesses the kind of genuine kindness that Neil has had precious little in his life. He also knows as well as Andrew when to push and when to back off, if with the softer edge that neither he nor Andrew quite know how to possess.  

Neil feels good sitting there- feels safe in Matt’s presence. Which is probably why he feels himself start to relax more than he’d usually allow, even now in a time of his where he is the safest he’s ever been the drive to be constantly ready, always aware is strong. Despite that he lets himself sink loose-limbed into the cushions, give himself to the calm atmosphere of the room. His head begins to start listing to the side and his eyes begin to feel too heavy. Admittedly he has not been sleeping well. Not that he’s ever been one to sleep particularly well. This is when Matt’s arm comes around his shoulders to pull Neil to rest his head on his shoulder. A hand begins to play with the hairs are the base of his neck and Neil can’t stop the pleased hum he makes at the feeling. He feels more than hears Matt’s fond snort

“You’re like a big cat- well medium cat if I’m being generous” Matt snickers

“Fuck off” is his eloquent response from where he’s resting against Matt, sleepy and warm.

From then on Matt seems to make a point of casual touches with Neil more often, He always approaches in his line of sight movements big and slightly slower than Neil suspects is natural for him to make his intent clear and giving opportunity for dodging. Neil is surprised to find that he likes it when Matt reaches over to squeeze his shoulder or give a friendly smack to his arm. It’s nice. It’s something that he wants to get used to.

 

*****

He doesn’t feel real, everything seeming bleak and distant and too far for him to grasp. He’s having a bad day a small part of his brain chips in as if that was any help at all. Andrew’s hand in clamped around the base of his neck as he sits hunched over himself; it is a familiar and soothing gesture. Physical contact is grounding on days like this and Neil knows, just as he knows that the one point of contact won’t be enough to anchor him today, that this is also a day where the contact he needs is more than Andrew can give.

When the hand slips from his neck he feels even more distant from reality. Andrew’s hand while not the grounding anchor it usually was, was still a tether holding him in place and in its absence Neil feels almost as if he’s floating away. Distantly he notes Andrew’s stiff movements across the room and out of the door. He isn’t sure how much time passes between then and when the hand on his neck returns to tug him closer to solid ground but when he lifts his head Andrew is no longer alone but has a worried looking Matt stood beside him. Andrew squeezes his neck firmly once- _not an apology_. Before the hand is gone once more and he slips out of Neil’s line of sight. He isn’t sure if he lingers close or not though.

Almost as soon as the hand is gone, he feels himself being wrapped up in strong arms. He allows himself to be lifted up and manoeuvred by Matt, unresisting but not quite solid enough to help, until he finds himself laid out across Matt’s chest with firm but gentle hands rubbing up and down his back and even soothing through his hair. Even though it feels like giving into his own weakness, this is the most solid he’s felt all day. Neil doesn’t know when exactly he’d become so used to Gentleness being offered to him and not only in the form of Matt but now the weight of his Mother’s body beside him does not seem to be as such a bright spot of love in his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feedback is always welcome!


End file.
